http://www.reddit.com/r/BTFC/comments/o7rwl/intro_25f56152_lb_jan_5_mar_29/

I shall run away back into the woods now

These next few posts are not going to be back to 

My mother is in near constant back pain.

She can’t take pain medication because it likely won’t help much and she doesn’t want to risk addiction. Her pain is caused by her being in a physically tense state all the time, so treatment of the pain symptom however disabling it is, is superficial. Also, She was an alcoholic and drug addict for years, so this is a wise decision.

As supportive as I can be with everyone and anyone else in counseling and health care, seeing my mom feel this unhappy turns me into this helpless five year old.

My mom is amazing and I have no way of loudly showing her through actions, or I feel as though I can’t, that is how I feel. My mother is schizophrenic, she is the softest/gentlest/kindest and most loving person I know. Literally animals would help her get ready in the morning if the could get past my grandparents, but her affect is considerably dulled by her anti-psychotic medications. Also when I make grand declarations of love, they likely  do effect her she isn’t emotionless, but I realize its not the reaction I want.

 I really feel its more of a selfish action benefitting me because its a way of getting her to emotionally respond. I know that isn’t a bad desire wanting your parent to show emotion in response to telling them you love them, but in showing her I care I feel should be something I do to support her. 

Okay, as I was writing this, my grandmother threw the door open of my den and started yelling at me AGAIN to get ready because I need to pick up my books for the new semester. She constantly harps at me to get ready to go somewhere based on a schedule she has created in her mind to meet goals she sees important. 
I often am so tired of being told I am a shit starter, unappreciative or just explaining until I am blue in the face that I am a capable adult able to make my own schedule that I often just agree.

Finally when I even agree to her craziness as best I can I am often harassed to get going constantly until whatever she needs to happen happens.

This has been my life since I was a child. I am 25 now.

The worst part is when I defend my agency anytime I have been emotionally vulnerable in front of her and she is frustrated with me, she throws that emotional vulnerability back at me.

I did it, although I had a rough time last week squats today were successful.
I am back on track and I am happy.

Every day when I see my friends lift along side me, I feel so fucking happy.
My life is fucking awesome.

Alright.

I never talk about what goes one, and I am a pretty upbeat person. That being said I need to let people in more.

I need to allow myself to talk about my stuff in a constructive way in a safe place.

I don’t want to whine, pity party, or just be negative. That being said… I will open up a bit.

CONFESSION 1:

I take more medication than most elderly I know.

I take a mood-stabilizer, an anti-depressant, medication for polycystic ovarian syndrome/insulin resistance, suppressive antivirals, a variant of ritalin, and a wack load of vitamins that are supposed to help.

All of them have many many side effects.

I wish I could take my mood stabilizers every night, but I just can’t if I want to wake up of my own volition.

Sleep has been a struggle for me for years and I have insomnia often if I don’t take this stuff.
At one point the irresponsible doctors at the institution of sad panda ladies *cough* CAMH *cough* got me pretty addicted to imoven and I don’t ever want to need sleep medication for lackluster addicted non-restful coma again. EVER.
I just wish I could sleep by 11 PM and wake up at 7 AM.

Its scary, how do you explain to your lifting buddies and friends that you having an anxiety attack that is worse than your normal anxiety attacks because you wanted to wake up at a normal times so you don’t take your medication. Especially since your grandma gets historically upset trying to wake passed and life doesn’t start at 2 PM.
How do you properly follow a schedule for good mental health when the world doesn’t really accommodate for invisible disabilities?

Its 5:02 AM, yes memory of Yakov chiding me about run-on sentences, I know my writing is especially stream-of-consciousness today. I haven’t slept, am exhausted and terrified that this might freak the friends I have out if they read it.

I just :/ I am going to bed.

My demons are grabbing me at the waist, legs, arms and ankles.

The ones that try to pull me back into that dark place I crawled out from barely human almost 4 years ago.

I can barely eat.

I feel numb.

I won’t ever let them win.

I am slowly doing the steps:

• pack my school bag
• get my gym bag together
• charge my phone
• take a shower
• go

Its when working out, being outside, going to class is the last thing I want to do is when I need to do it the most, and am.

My inspiration :D Such a champion

weightyexorcism:

barbellbabe:

hahah oh jesus. In my zone, clearly. :P Photos taken from this weekend’s 5k! :) 

What a badass!

@MndStns was so amazing and just the most incredible person to do this race with :D
Love her sooo much

barbellbabe:

Heeeeey guys :) So I just finished my first ever athletic anything, the Toronto Women’s 5k. Time: 38: 05 finishing 261 out of 336. Such an incredible experience :D! My time was slower than I had been practising, but I’m okay with that.

Probably about 1k in I started freaking out…couldn’t…

I want to be this kick ass :D

(via barbellbabe)

Amen.

myphotoday:

god save us.

by myphotoday

(via ohmyphotoday-deactivated2012012)

So, I am taking today off from working out. I feel weirdly guilty, but I don’t want something empowering and joyful to become addictive and a source of emotional pain. I might workout a bit when I get home from my interview and volunteering, but I need to remind myself that my irrational fear of instantaneously physically regressing is just that, irrational.